Case of the Nutty Blond

The other day a friend of mine informed me that he never visited my blog because he didn’t think I was really that serious about it. Well, I take my blog very seriously, thank you very much, even if there are only like 2 people that read it! I like blogging; for me, it is the next level of journaling, which I have done avidly since before I could spell. But my blog is not my journal, which is the most raw form of what I am thinking and feeling, and I also intend to use this blog to uplift, inform and analyze. Sometimes it may be relevant, other times, like with my last blog it appears, it just won’t appeal to my audience. That’s ok; I just need to say it.

Even if you don't have a blog of your own, I really recommend you get into the habit of journaling. It takes practice, but it can be quite therapeutic. You can see how God is faithful, how relationships grow or decay, and how you yourself have developed as a person. Lately, I have been using it to monitor a battle that takes place in the darkest reaches of my mind: my battle against depression.

My online dictionary defines depression as 1. sadness: a state of unhappiness and hopelessness 2. psychiatric disorder: a psychiatric disorder showing symptoms such as persistent feelings of hopelessness, dejection, poor concentration, lack of energy, inability to sleep, and, sometimes, suicidal tendencies. A counselor at school gave a quick seminar on depression, and he added that depression is basically internalizing powerful emotions, usually anger or guilt. The important thing I have realized about depression is that it is indeed a disorder, an illness of the mind, and it is to be taken seriously.

There are different levels of depression, and it can be an illness all on its own or the symptom of some other disease. Bipolar or Manic-depressive is a chronic condition, with the person feeling endless cycles of elation and then despair. For the Bi-polar manic-depressive, this will never stop, but there is treatment-like with diabetics—and they can live relatively normal lives. Most of us that feel depressed aren’t clinical cases (meaning we need professional help) but like I said, any depression feels serious. Signs of depression are lack of interest in things once loved, change in weight without dieting, lack of personal grooming, indecision or distractedness, and thoughts of death. Depression hurts, no matter whether it is just a short period of depression, or a chronic disorder, it is very serious to the person with it. The more I know about depression and the more I know what I do when I’m depressed the better I can handle it, and I recommend you pursue the same if you or someone you love is depressed.

Depression is a change in thinking patterns; a feeling of helplessness. It can either be a symptom or a cause in itself, but from what I learned at the seminar, it seems like often depression is a symptom of something else being wrong before it becomes the illness itself. Bereavement, for example; when someone we love dies, it is normal to feel sad, and think about death more often than normal, but if it does not go away, those sad feelings become a mental illness. Hormones are another example; post-partum depression is a result of hormones being off after pregnancy, but if left untreated can develop into a chronic condition.

So is depression a sin? I don’t think so; it is an illness of the mind. But God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind. The demon Screwtape observed that despair is a greater sin than those which provoke it, because despair says that there is no hope and God is not in control. But God is so much bigger than our inner demons. The victory is in knowing that He is bigger than us, stronger than our poor, feeble minds. God can also use us through our demons as well; Elijah, one of the greatest prophets in the Old Testament, suffered from depression. God not only took care of him when he had the birds bring him food, but He also continued to use Elijah through it. I never understood that until recently: How on earth can God use me to share His joy when I feel so disheartened? The Valley’s of the Shadows of Death from Psalm 23 come in many forms, sometimes as depression, but still God is with us.

My interest in depression comes from two sources: my family suffers from it, mainly on my mother’s side, but also a little on my dad’s side, and I have experienced that darkness within too many times. I want to know what is wrong with me, and knowing what triggers it also helps. Traumatic events like death, physical illness, or moving can cause it, but also minor stresses like not getting the laundry done in over a week, not getting enough sleep, not grooming myself, not eating right, staying indoors for too long, and not socializing often trigger my spells. It is easy to fall into a deadly spiral, for when I don’t socialize I get depressed, which makes me not want to socialize, which makes me more depressed, and so on. Often it is little things that will pull me out, like doing the laundry, doing my hair or makeup, getting outside and exercising, but the two things that have helped me the most are talking (not always about my feelings; often about silly things) and helping others (by taking the focus off myself). (On a side note, music is a critical salve to the soul, but depending on the mood I can brood to classical, blues and jazz, or rock; the right music will literally sooth my soul. One time, I had a spell so serious I listened to country ^_~)

However, it was always almost impossible to get myself out of depression alone. My last serious depression attack, after my best friend left at the beginning of this last summer, my mom had to literally help me out of bed and get me going. This only lasted a day or so, and the fact that I wanted her help because I wanted out was a big part, but I cannot emphasize enough how wonderful the people who have helped me through my depression spells are. Either from doing things with me, to just talking to me, I can’t do it without them. If you know someone who may be depressed, you are a huge part of their help. Even simple acts of kindness can help, though they may not be immediately acknowledged.

Like I said, I have many purposes for this blog. I hope that you were helped and informed in some way by this post.